I got to work early today. This is new for me. 7 A.M. and I can still feel the alcohol circulating through my system from last night. What do I need? A cup of coffee.
My cubicle just happens to be right next to one of the 99 coffee makers we have on our floor, but I've never actually made the coffee until right now. It's trickling into the coffee canister...sounds like someone's peeing. I like to sit here and smirk as I hear people complain about empty coffee tins.
Anyway, so I made the coffee, but there's a catch...it's decaf! Hahaha! This just happens to be the hottest spot to fill your cup as it is in the most trafficked area of the building. People like to chat as they get their coffee fixes, but today I don't think the chatter will be quite as cheery as usual. Instead of the usual happy hour and golf discussions, the lack of caffeine will regurgitate bitter memories of why Sally gave everyone a Christmas candy cane except Molly. The shit's gonna hit the fan. I conveniently filled my cup with regular caffeinated coffee at one of the more remote coffee makers.
Let's see how the day progresses....
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Battle Shits
Stinky = Margarita
Stinky: i drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was gone!
me: and good ol boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Stinky: there were t-shirts in New Orleans with that saying lol
get it?
Mmm whiskey and rye
me: HAHA
thats bad
Stinky: i know but its clever
me: yes
what is rye?
Stinky: they use it to make alcohol
its a grain also rye bread
me: oh
i gotta shit too
Stinky: i might have to too
me: lets go same time
but not right now
Stinky: ok in 15
me: and text each other the exact second of the "plop"
NO
lets time itwhen ur bout to plop let me know so we plop at same time
Stinky: lol dude
me: que?
Stinky: ok fine
i have this hting called work
me: me 2
not stoppin me i just no do it
Stinky: i gotta go now
me: ok i go too then
bring ur phone
Stinky: LOL
***potty/text break***
me: haha...mini explosion out my butt
air and poop escaped at same time
Stinky: lol same here u know what?
i dont know if its in my head but i think alli decreases my alkie tolerance
gotta field test it some more
me: ok
well u eatin healthier with alli right?
healthier food cant sustain as much alkie
Stinky: ah
right but i eat pretyt much the same
i eat pretty healthy
me: hmmmm
Stinky: my shit also stians toilet bowl more
*stains
me: that weird
it stickier ahaha
Stinky: yeah i think so
me: we like those 2 chics playin battle shits in van wilder
Stinky: i drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was gone!
me: and good ol boys were drinkin whiskey and rye
Stinky: there were t-shirts in New Orleans with that saying lol
get it?
Mmm whiskey and rye
me: HAHA
thats bad
Stinky: i know but its clever
me: yes
what is rye?
Stinky: they use it to make alcohol
its a grain also rye bread
me: oh
i gotta shit too
Stinky: i might have to too
me: lets go same time
but not right now
Stinky: ok in 15
me: and text each other the exact second of the "plop"
NO
lets time itwhen ur bout to plop let me know so we plop at same time
Stinky: lol dude
me: que?
Stinky: ok fine
i have this hting called work
me: me 2
not stoppin me i just no do it
Stinky: i gotta go now
me: ok i go too then
bring ur phone
Stinky: LOL
***potty/text break***
me: haha...mini explosion out my butt
air and poop escaped at same time
Stinky: lol same here u know what?
i dont know if its in my head but i think alli decreases my alkie tolerance
gotta field test it some more
me: ok
well u eatin healthier with alli right?
healthier food cant sustain as much alkie
Stinky: ah
right but i eat pretyt much the same
i eat pretty healthy
me: hmmmm
Stinky: my shit also stians toilet bowl more
*stains
me: that weird
it stickier ahaha
Stinky: yeah i think so
me: we like those 2 chics playin battle shits in van wilder
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Random-ness
In a truly significant event, I am awake before my alarm clock is. Maybe this is because I went to bed at like...11:30...I was pooped. Anyway! I have much too many things going on this weekend. I'm going to have to party hop several times a night in order to reach each of my destinations. I'm excited! So I probably won't be blogging. Or maybe I will. Drunkenly.
'Memba how I said Britney Spears CD was mediocre and too Paris Hilton? I TAKE IT BACK! I love it. With all of my heart. It makes me want to be bad. You should all listen to "Music is My Hot, Hot Sex" by Cansei de Ser Sexy (CSS). It's also really good.
By the way, you should read my poem about boredom that I posted from work yesterday. It amused me.
And I just realized how much I must appear to be a lunatic to people who don't know me. I just IM'd Mim on AIM asking if I could use torture devices (an Achilles tendon slicer) to get secrets out of her. And that poem is a bit odd. But ohhh so amusing! I literally sat there laughing at myself. Tweet.
On another note, because yesterday was Wednesday and it obviously sucked, I opted to skip the gym and come home and eat a pita. Mmmm! But I felt guilty, so I borrowed one of my roomie's exercise tapes. I was choosing between Kickboxing and Pilates. I chose the Pilates one because the space in my room is limited and I don't need anymore random bruises appearing on my right leg. It was definitely interesting. I'm the "sweat it out and lift hard" type of worker-outer. I just made that a word. Pilates is so much more difficult than it appears because you have to have tremendous balance, which I am mediocre on. I used to be much worse when I had no muscle. I think muscle = balance. To an extent. Because I definitely fell over about four times.
Who thinks I'll be able to sway a professor into excusing my absence because I have to catch a flight home on Tuesday? I can't make it to my last class next Tuesday because my last class ends at 3:50 and my flight is at 5...would it be immoral if I used a "doctor's note" from my work? Ha! I wanna do it.
My mama bought some margarita mix and tequila (not rum!) for when Margarita and I get home next week! I can't wait. Drinking margaritas is a basic activity that has to be carried out upon each and every visit to Florida. Margarita, mama, our lovely housekeeper woman and myself sit around the table and get tipsy as we refill our glasses and gossip and catch up. It's a blast.
My alarm clock just woke up. Time to get ready for class! Tah-tah!!!!
'Memba how I said Britney Spears CD was mediocre and too Paris Hilton? I TAKE IT BACK! I love it. With all of my heart. It makes me want to be bad. You should all listen to "Music is My Hot, Hot Sex" by Cansei de Ser Sexy (CSS). It's also really good.
By the way, you should read my poem about boredom that I posted from work yesterday. It amused me.
And I just realized how much I must appear to be a lunatic to people who don't know me. I just IM'd Mim on AIM asking if I could use torture devices (an Achilles tendon slicer) to get secrets out of her. And that poem is a bit odd. But ohhh so amusing! I literally sat there laughing at myself. Tweet.
On another note, because yesterday was Wednesday and it obviously sucked, I opted to skip the gym and come home and eat a pita. Mmmm! But I felt guilty, so I borrowed one of my roomie's exercise tapes. I was choosing between Kickboxing and Pilates. I chose the Pilates one because the space in my room is limited and I don't need anymore random bruises appearing on my right leg. It was definitely interesting. I'm the "sweat it out and lift hard" type of worker-outer. I just made that a word. Pilates is so much more difficult than it appears because you have to have tremendous balance, which I am mediocre on. I used to be much worse when I had no muscle. I think muscle = balance. To an extent. Because I definitely fell over about four times.
Who thinks I'll be able to sway a professor into excusing my absence because I have to catch a flight home on Tuesday? I can't make it to my last class next Tuesday because my last class ends at 3:50 and my flight is at 5...would it be immoral if I used a "doctor's note" from my work? Ha! I wanna do it.
My mama bought some margarita mix and tequila (not rum!) for when Margarita and I get home next week! I can't wait. Drinking margaritas is a basic activity that has to be carried out upon each and every visit to Florida. Margarita, mama, our lovely housekeeper woman and myself sit around the table and get tipsy as we refill our glasses and gossip and catch up. It's a blast.
My alarm clock just woke up. Time to get ready for class! Tah-tah!!!!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Boredom is the New Tobacco: It Kills
Ye who invades my idle mind
And tempts me with thoughts of whoredom
There is no other quite like your kind
This seat of cloth and rubber has me trapped
Its wheels doth not yield my escape
So long a day, so many pencils I have snapped
How I yearn for a whiff of exhaust-filled fresh air
My shoulders sag
I have surpassed the point at which I no longer care
Boredom
Whoredom
They are one and the same
When scratching plastic forks across wooden desktops brings me joy
And counting the syllables in newcomers’ names becomes me
I know the time has come to devise a new ploy
Who knew humans could ever be so melancholic?
My eyes bore into the wall boasting Big Brother’s mystery mirror
It makes me wish I was an alcoholic
The custodian I can’t help but stalk
His sapphire chemise has more than caught my eye
Were he to catch me I’m sure I would baulk
Boredom
Whoredom
Can you tell the difference?
Accountants have more spice than this
The crunch and stretch of their numbers sends chills down their spines
If only I could be an accountant, just to flee this abyss
Like Dorothy and her posse of munchkins
I traverse through time, but only in my mind
The one I prefer; he is composed of a bunch of tins
Morosely I watch the clock tick by
Time has halted
Oh wait, there goes the blue cleaning guy!
Boredom
Whoredom
Who’s keeping track?
And tempts me with thoughts of whoredom
There is no other quite like your kind
This seat of cloth and rubber has me trapped
Its wheels doth not yield my escape
So long a day, so many pencils I have snapped
How I yearn for a whiff of exhaust-filled fresh air
My shoulders sag
I have surpassed the point at which I no longer care
Boredom
Whoredom
They are one and the same
When scratching plastic forks across wooden desktops brings me joy
And counting the syllables in newcomers’ names becomes me
I know the time has come to devise a new ploy
Who knew humans could ever be so melancholic?
My eyes bore into the wall boasting Big Brother’s mystery mirror
It makes me wish I was an alcoholic
The custodian I can’t help but stalk
His sapphire chemise has more than caught my eye
Were he to catch me I’m sure I would baulk
Boredom
Whoredom
Can you tell the difference?
Accountants have more spice than this
The crunch and stretch of their numbers sends chills down their spines
If only I could be an accountant, just to flee this abyss
Like Dorothy and her posse of munchkins
I traverse through time, but only in my mind
The one I prefer; he is composed of a bunch of tins
Morosely I watch the clock tick by
Time has halted
Oh wait, there goes the blue cleaning guy!
Boredom
Whoredom
Who’s keeping track?
Talk to Me
Raise your hand if you have entire conversations with yourself in your head. (Raising hand high) If your hand isn’t raised, you’re lying. I think talking to yourself is a form of keeping yourself sane, which is probably the opposite of what psychologists might say. Talking to yourself is like thinking, only not. Thinking doesn’t make you laugh out loud at your own hilarious humor. Like for instance, I just had to stick some electrodes on a patient’s neck and found myself staring at a bulge in the BACK of his pants. It looked like he had a tail and it reminded me of that movie Shallow Hal where George from Seinfeld had a tail that could wag like a little puppy and one of those muffled laughs escaped out of my mouth as I conversed with myself in my head.
And since I got no sleep last night again because of my troubled, murder-infested thoughts, I have been the world’s grouchiest person ever today. When I had to press a button three times on my phone, I cursed at least twelve words in my head. Then when the world’s slowest car decided to drive in front of me, I could feel the fumes coming out of my ears as I told myself in my head how much fun it would be to throw my hammer at their back windshield. It made me feel better.
Not only talking to yourself, but arguing with yourself is also really entertaining. Like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. I swear I have them. I’ll think a terrible thought about someone/something and then tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking such things. Then I’ll tell my fat mouth to shut up and keep making fun of them. And the cycle goes on and on. Bah humbug!
And since I got no sleep last night again because of my troubled, murder-infested thoughts, I have been the world’s grouchiest person ever today. When I had to press a button three times on my phone, I cursed at least twelve words in my head. Then when the world’s slowest car decided to drive in front of me, I could feel the fumes coming out of my ears as I told myself in my head how much fun it would be to throw my hammer at their back windshield. It made me feel better.
Not only talking to yourself, but arguing with yourself is also really entertaining. Like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. I swear I have them. I’ll think a terrible thought about someone/something and then tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking such things. Then I’ll tell my fat mouth to shut up and keep making fun of them. And the cycle goes on and on. Bah humbug!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Catchy's Trip to NYC
I'm back in Minneapolis!
When I left for the airport on Friday, I was hoping that Margarita's premonitions of airport delays were wrong. But unfortunately for me, I think she has a gift. As I sat in the cab on the way to the airport, I received a call from an unknown number informing me that my flight, which wa in an hour and a half, had been cancelled and that the airline had scheduled me for a later flight which would have me landing in New York at 10:30 P.M. Uh-uh. I was pissed. I told the dumb lady on the phone to take me off that flight. When I got to the airport, I stood in a line for an hour and the line didn't move forward even once. Bologna. So I called the airline and had them find another earlier flight on a different airline which would bring me into New York earlier. "Hooraaaay!" I thought to myself. And then that flight got delayed two hours. Bah. When I actually got to New York, I stood in the taxi line for an hour and fifteen minues because apparently taxi drivers are retarded and don't pick people up from the airport on Friday nights. Anyway! I finally made it to Margarita's apartment and was greeted by a soothing glass of red wine. I was happy.
The rest of the weekend was super fun. On Friday night we went to our cousin's 21st birthday at a club and then we went to Chipotle on Saturday and had burritos and a few margaritas. We then proceeded to go drunk shopping and buy lots of clothes. It was grand. Then the stagehands who work forBroadway decided it would be a brilliant idea to go on strike, thus resulting in the cancellation of our play for the evening. Hakuna Matata. We went out to a super delicious dinner instead and then went bar hopping. Somehow we ended up at this bar that served alcoholic tea beverages. Now, I am not a tea drinker, but this was some darn good alcoholic tea. After my first drink, mysterious "on the house" drinks started appearing in front of me. Haha. And for Margarita too. It was definitely a bargain. When that bar closed, we attempted to go to this cool spot that Margarita knows of, but the drunken idiot had us walking in the wrong direction for quite a few blocks while I wore a dress and boots in the frigid weather. Glorious! So we ended up at the dive bar across the street for Margarita's apartment where I pointed out an obvious hick and Margarita argued that he was an investment banker. This argument turned heated. Fast. It was amusing. Then Sunday we had mimosas and breakfast wraps before I flew back home.
It was an eventful weekend! And I was happy to get away from campus for a weekend. Whoop! Can't wait for my next visit.
When I left for the airport on Friday, I was hoping that Margarita's premonitions of airport delays were wrong. But unfortunately for me, I think she has a gift. As I sat in the cab on the way to the airport, I received a call from an unknown number informing me that my flight, which wa in an hour and a half, had been cancelled and that the airline had scheduled me for a later flight which would have me landing in New York at 10:30 P.M. Uh-uh. I was pissed. I told the dumb lady on the phone to take me off that flight. When I got to the airport, I stood in a line for an hour and the line didn't move forward even once. Bologna. So I called the airline and had them find another earlier flight on a different airline which would bring me into New York earlier. "Hooraaaay!" I thought to myself. And then that flight got delayed two hours. Bah. When I actually got to New York, I stood in the taxi line for an hour and fifteen minues because apparently taxi drivers are retarded and don't pick people up from the airport on Friday nights. Anyway! I finally made it to Margarita's apartment and was greeted by a soothing glass of red wine. I was happy.
The rest of the weekend was super fun. On Friday night we went to our cousin's 21st birthday at a club and then we went to Chipotle on Saturday and had burritos and a few margaritas. We then proceeded to go drunk shopping and buy lots of clothes. It was grand. Then the stagehands who work forBroadway decided it would be a brilliant idea to go on strike, thus resulting in the cancellation of our play for the evening. Hakuna Matata. We went out to a super delicious dinner instead and then went bar hopping. Somehow we ended up at this bar that served alcoholic tea beverages. Now, I am not a tea drinker, but this was some darn good alcoholic tea. After my first drink, mysterious "on the house" drinks started appearing in front of me. Haha. And for Margarita too. It was definitely a bargain. When that bar closed, we attempted to go to this cool spot that Margarita knows of, but the drunken idiot had us walking in the wrong direction for quite a few blocks while I wore a dress and boots in the frigid weather. Glorious! So we ended up at the dive bar across the street for Margarita's apartment where I pointed out an obvious hick and Margarita argued that he was an investment banker. This argument turned heated. Fast. It was amusing. Then Sunday we had mimosas and breakfast wraps before I flew back home.
It was an eventful weekend! And I was happy to get away from campus for a weekend. Whoop! Can't wait for my next visit.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
A Rant About Wednesdays
I hate Wednesdays.They are the one day of the week I dread. Why?
WELL!
For starters, I have to be at work at 7:15 A.M. That in itself is catastrophic. Because of my sleeping issues, I can't get to bed before at least 1 A.M. on any given night. Therefore, I get between four and five hours of sleep on Wednesdays depending on how severe my visions of killer men in my room are on that particular Wednesday. A Catchy without at least eight hours of sleep is a Grouchy Catchy. So when dumb patients make me schedule and reschedule their future appointments, neglect to tell me at what level I should stop shocking their muscles (this results in me asking, "How's that for you?" and the dumb people saying, "Too high!" at which point I have to start all over again. Why don't they ever just say stop like normal people do?), and insurance companies harass me to death, I have to smile and be polite as I grit my teeth and think murderous thoughts. Anyway, so now that I've established that work totally blows, having to be there until 6 P.M. just makes it that much worse. And today I locked myself out of the laundry room. Wednesdays are the worst. They are the day before Thursday, which is an awesome day, and by the time you reach Wednesday, you realize that you still have two days left until the weekend. Damn Wednesday Addams! The screenwriters opted to name her Wednesday because it is the most atrocious day of the week...as is her scary family. Well, not really. I love The Addams Family, but since they're supposed to be weird and gothic, I'll use her name as evidence to support my...law. This is no longer a scientific theory. I've made it a law.
See? She's cursed. She was named after the worst day of the week. How could she possibly be a happy child? Every time she hears Mommy Morticia cooing her name, she is reminded of that wretched, wretched weekday. Gosh. It doesn't even sound like it should. Say "Wednesday." Wenz-day. It's tricky. What a bitch.
Most people think Mondays are the worst days because they're the start of a whole new week. But at least you know where you stand with Mondays. And you know the rest of the week is waiting for you. Wednesdays are a tease. I'd rather have a million Mondays than a single Wednesday. I hope I've convinced you to hate Wednesdays as much as I do because they definitely do not deserve your affection.
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